“Call him Voldemort, Harry. Always use the proper name for things. Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.” – Dumbledore
This is my Darwin. I rescued him when I was 19 years old. He was my best friend for 12 years before he crossed the Rainbow Bridge about 10 years ago. He was also a complete asshole.
Darwin once found a dead raccoon in the back yard, and rolled on it. It was the worse smell I have ever endured in my entire life.The smell emanating from my dog was unbearable. Like a summo wrestler took a shit on a burning tire. It was kinda cathartic to finally admit it out loud: My dog is an asshole
It would have made a maggot gag.
I spent over 4 hours trying to get the smell off of him, and at that point, me as well, thus causing me to have to cancel a date with a guy I had been crushing on foh-evah. Like, since 4th grade.
Darwin seemed to have problems with skunks. Especially how he envisioned his relationship with them…
…versus the reality.
As Dumbledore pointed out to Harry in the quote in the beginning of this post, fearing to name something what it actually is can be detrimental. I hear this a lot from my clients.
Client: Hi, I’m interested in dog training. I have a 7 month old puppy. He’s been biting us, jumping, stealing things from the counter and this morning chewed our sofa.
Me: Wow – he sounds like an asshole!
Client: He is! Thank you for saying that! I love him but he’s SUCH an asshole!
It’s okay to call a thing a thing. It doesn’t make you a bad dog owner, and as a matter of fact, you may feel better when you finally accept that your dog is an asshole…you can move on now. Start to address why he is that way, and what steps you can take to address the behaviors that are unsavory. Begin to Pilot his behavior, and answer his questions.
Because let’s face it. Your dog isn’t bad. He’s just an asshole.
So it may seem to you that your dog is an asshole, I think what we all mean is your dog is a great dog, he sucks at being human. Some dogs just get how to “human” easier than others. Congratulations, your dog sucks at it.
Now let’s learn how to communicate your adorable little asshole. Because let’s face it, he probably thinks you really suck at being a dog.
What’s the most “asshole” thing your dog has ever done?
Dog Training in Cleveland, Ohio
Never negotiate with kids. They don’t have life experience, and they don’t have repercussions for bad decisions; they still get fed and housed. - Gene Simmons
I never thought that I’d be using a Gene Simmons quote in my blogs, but there you go. Sometimes life takes a funny turn, and his quote was perfect for what I wanted to tackle today: this image that has been floating around The Internets.
Wow. Just wow. I don’t even know where to start with this. Ready for an unpopular, possibly offensive truth? Your dog is making people uncomfortable because he is an asshole.
There. I said it. I guarantee a lot of other people were thinking it, and just never told you. And even worse, you’re pretty much victim blaming. So now that we have opened up that can of worms, let’s get down to business and de-asshole your dog.
What’s making people uncomfortable about your dog? Let’s break it down:
Fido is in their personal space.
I personally don’t not want to be licked by either of them. I love dogs. Like, LOVE, dogs. I don’t like drool. Or Gene Simmons, but here we are.
Think about it. How would you feel if a stranger came up to you and was completely in your personal space? Uncomfortable, right? Or what if I invited you to my house, let my kids climb all over you and trample you, but stated that if my kids were making you uncomfortable, I can lock you up in another room? (C’mon, they’re only trying to be friendly!) Yet we accept that behavior from our dogs? I guarantee that if your Fido tried that behavior with another dog, Fido would get corrected very quickly! It’s about manners, and dogs have them the same way people do. Learn to expect good manners from your dog.
Fido is guarding. I can’t tell you how many times a client calls me to their house to work with their aggressive dog, and when I arrive and ring their doorbell, they simple let their dog loose on me to snarl, bark, and lunge at me. Their reasoning?
“We wanted you to see what he does.”
Oh, by all means, let me whip up an anti-aggression incantation. That will solve the problem!
I freaking know what Fido does…he’s aggressive towards strangers! You told me on the phone!
I know how to deal with a dog who is snarling at me, or giving me “fuck off” body language. You stand perfectly still and let the dog thoroughly investigate you. You do not move. You do not make eye contact. Even after decades of doing this, it’s still terrifying every time it happens to me (usually at least once a week). I have resources, knowledge and experience. What do your guests have? Fear and anxiety. And you have a potential lawsuit coming your way when Fido finally snaps. Just because he’s never bitten anyone before doesn’t mean he never will. And no, the answer isn’t just to “just let Fido smell you, and then he’ll be fine.”
Your dog is jumping/trampling your guests. And what do you do about it?
“FIDO NO JUMPING! FIDO, NO!!! FIDO STOP OR I’LL SAY STOP AGAIN!!!!”
Yeah, it’s not helping. Fido is still jumping.
I work with quite a few “aggressive” dogs. Usually at least one per week. And you should see all the massive bruises and injuries I have…from “friendly” dogs jumping on me. My legs look like I play professional soccer without shin guards. I have scratches all over me (yes, even through denim jeans). All because of Fido who “just wants to make friends”. Sorry, but consent exists with dogs the same way it exists with humans. Your dog is hurting me, and it’s not a game, nor is it cute.
As I said, we need to un-asshole your dog.Let’s start with how you are perceiving your dog. It has to do with your soft bigotry of low expectations. You expect so little from your dogs. You claim that your dogs are your kids, yet you allow behaviors from your dog that you’d never tolerate from your children (I hope!). The thing to remember is that it’s not about having perfectly well behaved kids/dogs; it’s about having a game plan for anything that happens. Can you predict that your preschooler would suddenly start rifling through great aunt Bertha’s purse? No, that was unexpected. But what makes you a good parent is how you deal with the situation, or more importantly, if you deal with the situation.
I firmly believe in treating everyone appropriately. Dogs are great dogs…they just suck at being human. Kids are great kids…they just suck at being adults. It’s up to you to be the adult human in the situation and to Pilot them through whatever issues or questions they are currently embroiled in. So let’s get started.
It starts with Piloting. Piloting is answering your dog’s questions, and they have a lot of questions. “Can I jump on you?” “Can I eat that chocolate?”Wanna snuggle?”You answer each question according to how you feel. My answers would be No, No and Yes respectively. How do you give a negative? Using simple body language outlined here. No prong collar. No shock collar. No need for a spray bottle full of vinegar(?!)(seriously, I’ve been hearing this a lot…stop it). It’s a conversation. Communicate, don’t dominate, subjugate to alleviate…
…sorry, that was a little INXS.
Just remember, it’s a conversation. Your dog isn’t bad, Fido just has questions. So answer them!
I’m going to give you a bonus hint: I don’t ask my kids or my dogs if they want to do something. I tell them, and then ask for questions.
Example, if I want the dishwasher emptied and re-loaded:
Me: River, would you please empty the dishwasher and then load it?
Me: River, I want you to please empty the dishwasher and then load the dirty dishes. Do you have any questions?
Do you see the difference? If River does indeed have questions, (“Do I have to?”), I’m prepared with my answer. I do not negotiate. I will listen to hear reasoning why she shouldn’t have to (and sometimes she’s correct), but I do not make deals with her. I do not lower my expectations unless new or different information is given.
For example, if River says she doesn’t want to because she wants to play video games, oh well! I want a pony and I don’t have a pony. Now get in there and do the dishes. But if she says she doesn’t want to because she’s trying to (legit) study for her test tomorrow, I may change my mind about her doing dishes, based upon the new information.
How does this apply to your dog? Suppose I show up to your house and Fido starts to jump on me. It’s up to you to Pilot your dog, giving them a negative. And they accept your answer, calming down. Nice job!
But what if later while I”m at your house, you see Fido start to jump on me again? You start to give him another negative, but then I tell you that I started it because I wanted to wrestle with him. What do you do? Let it go? Give a negative anyway?
The answer is entirely up to you. If you decide you don’t want your dog getting riled, you give me a negative If you are okay with us wrestling around, then by all means let it go. You’re the Pilot; you are actively choosing to let a behavior continue, rather than not doing anything about it because you don’t know what to do. Remember, it’s not about having the dog with the perfect manners all the time. That dog doesn’t exist. But now you don’t have to tolerate those unsavory behaviors any longer.
So congratulations, we’ve successfully de-assholed your dog! And let’s face it, he probably wasn’t really an asshole to begin with. He’s just a dog. A wonderful, intelligent, perfect dog….who really sucked at being human.
Dog Training in Cleveland, Ohio