The Difference Between Dogs and Kids

 Alicia Jones @amjay_7


Alicia Jones
@amjay_7

Raising children is a creative endeavor, an art rather than a science.
- Bruno Bettelheim

I had a parent a few weeks ago ask me if I knew how to train kids.  I find the question funny both because I hear that a lot, and because there really isn’t much difference between raising kids and raising dogs.  Neither are (fully) domesticated, both emit strange odors, and each are a joy to come home to, regardless of what kind of mischief they’ve gotten into in the past few hours.  To answer the parent’s question, I sent her this article from a few years back.  Eric and River are currently 12 & 10, but still amazing, wonderful kids.

1546318_963648480331824_9123469569825680319_n

I dragged my kids (Eric, 9 and River, 7) yesterday to Jo-Ann’s.  That’s right up there on the “fun-o-meter” as getting vaccinations for them.  I spent about 20 minutes trying to find what it was that I needed.  They stuck right by me.  As they passed in front of someone standing in an aisle, they politely said, “Excuse me”.  As we left, the cashier wished me a happy holiday.  I wished her the same thing.  My children chimed in with “Have a great day!”.  They followed me out to the car, with Eric automatically taking River’s hand to help her across the parking lot.  I put on their favorite song in the car, to which the both said, “Thank you” as soon as the first few notes became recognizable.

Magic?  DNA jackpot?  Nope.  Repetition, repetition, repetition.  My children know what good manners are and are able to execute them because of a couple of factors.

  • I set them up for success.  River has problems behaving if she hasn’t had enough protein.  Eric can become overwhelmed in crowds.  Both are very hyper and need outlets for their energy.  If I take River to the store right before lunch after she’s been on the computer all morning, well, then, it’s my fault if she “misbehaves”, isn’t it?  I know the parameters within which she’s capable of behaving.  If I drag her outside that area, how is she supposed to behave?  It’s like taking a car off the road and into a lake, and then wondering why it isn’t working properly.
  • I give a negative when necessary.  I don’t like people being treated in a dismissive fashion, be it a waitress, cashier or any other individual, for that matter.  I want my children to have the same mind-set.  That person behind the counter isn’t a robot, they are a human, and worthy of good manners.  Sometimes when I’d be completing a transaction, my children’s minds would float off.  The clerk would wish me a good day, and I’d thank them and wish them a pleasant day as well.  My children would sometimes forget to reply in kind.  ”Excuse me?”, I would say to them, giving them an opportunity to fix their omission. They usually give the appropriate response at that point. Sometimes a bit more negative is necessary.  The other day, both kids were being little wretches in the car.  They had been set up for success, as I described above, but they started bickering in the car.  I reminded them twice that this behavior was unacceptable.  They started again.  They each lost use of their computers for two days as a result.  No, I don’t like doing that to them, but my job as a parent isn’t to always like what I do: my job is to parent. Just as I don’t enjoy taking my kids to the doctor for vaccinations and causing them (temporary) discomfort, it’s for the greater good, so I yuck it up and do it anyway.
  • I praise/reward behavior that I want.  How much does a word of praise cost you?  Nothing.  When my children passed in front of the person in the aisle at Jo-Ann’s and used good manners, I complimented them on their manners.  When we got to the car, I put on their favorite song as a tiny reward for their behavior in purgatory Jo-Ann’s.  I do expect good manners from them, but manners can become linked with a positive.  In their minds, being well-behaved can get them anything from a word of praise (often) to a trip for ice-cream (less often, but still feasible).  Manners are good because when used, something good usually happens.
River and Eric at their favorite ice-cream shop.

River and Eric at their favorite ice-cream shop.

Pretty soon my kids were on auto-pilot.  They can fly through most situations without prompts from me, navigating the complexities of manners quite nicely.  Until the day I die, I will still compliment them on their manners whenever presented the opportunity to do so.  Again, what does a kind word cost you?  Nothing.

So you’re probably wondering, When does this article start to talk about dogs?  Isn’t that why I’m here?  Who’s to say I haven’t been talking about our canine companions the whole time?  Raising dogs and kids, to some degree, isn’t much different.

river2

  • I set them up for success.  Cody is a 9-month old Labradoodle.Labradoodle (n.) – Latin for perpetual motion.  See also: Hyperactivity.  Frivolity.Cody is an exceptionally sweet, kind, and loving animal. But at this young age, he has a very distinct set of circumstances that need to be adhered to to attain good behavior. For example, right now Cody is contentedly sleeping on the floor by my feet as I work on my computer.  This didn’t just happen.  I knew I needed to get some work done today, so Cody got an extra does of the PAW Method.  I gave him his Activity when we went for an extra long walk while wearing his backpack.  We then handled his Work needs by working on some new tricks with him and then feeding him through his enrichment feeder.  He is set up for success now.
  • I give a negative when necessary.  I’m ready to work, but Cody starts asking me a lot of questions:

    Can I play with the cat?  No.  Can I throw my ball around? No.  Can I play with the cat?  No.

I will continue to answer his questions as he asks them.  The first time he asks me about the cat, I use gentle negative body language from my seated position.  The next time he asks, I get up and “claim” the cat with my body, using much stronger body language.  Cody’s response?  Okay! Got it…so that’s a “no” on the cat then, right?

  • I praise/reward behavior that I want. Cody grabs a chew toy and plops down by my feet.  That’s a couple different positives I need to address there: he’s calmed himself down, and he’s redirected himself in an appropriate manner (the chew toy).  I give him a few seconds to “settle in” to this behavior, and then I gently start scratching his head.  He doubles down on the chew toy, so I up my ante and start to give him some very gentle very softly-spoken praise (I want him calm, so riling him up would be my bad).  He continues along the righteous path.  I stop petting him so I can start working, but every few minutes give him a word of gentle praise.  Pretty soon he drops his chew toy and puts his head down.  He’s ready to sleep.  I whip out the big guns:  a single Cheerio.  Cody is in the process of learning what’s acceptable behavior.  He needs to have his positive behaviors marked with a pretty strong positive.  That’s how he learns what we want from him.  Catching the moment.  I try to catch as many of his moments as I can, which means a lot of Touch, Talk, Treat.  He’d get sick on so many larger treats, so I use Cheerios.  Eventually, I’ll start to wean off the treats and focus on touch and talk.  But for now, he’s still learning.

1383409_957025457660793_4430529711716098288_n

 

It’s a process.  I expect mistakes (mostly from me).  It’s difficult, but oh so rewarding.  I don’t expect perfection; that’s only at the end of the rainbow.  What you’re working for is much more precious than perfection:  you’re working towards being a family.  That’s even better than perfection.

Keep calm and pilot on

Kerry Stack
Darwin Dogs
Dog Training in Cleveland, Ohio

Talk to the Animals – How Our Dogs Communicate

“But animals don’t always speak with their mouths,” said the parrot in a high voice, raising her eyebrows. “They talk with their ears, with their feet, with their tails—with everything. Sometimes they don’t WANT to make a noise. Do you see now the way he’s twitching up one side of his nose?”

“What’s that mean?” asked the Doctor.

“That means, ‘Can’t you see that it has stopped raining?’” Polynesia answered. “He is asking you a question. Dogs nearly always use their noses for asking questions.”

- Hugh Lofting, The Story of Dr. Dolittle

Brittany Graham Photography

Brittany Graham Photography

I frequently wonder why there aren’t more dog bites happening.  We humans do the craziest things.  We take a dog out of it’s natural environment (outside), “domesticate” it (well, not entirely), and then expect poor Fido to act human.  He barks – let’s use a shock collar.  He pees on the floor – let’s rub his nose in it.  He pulls on a leash – prong collar it is.  Why? He needs to be punished, so he knows he’s been bad.  

The concept of punishing a dog always confused me.  People tell me they do it so the dog knows that it “did wrong”.  But in reality, have they? Dogs are very honest creatures.  They aren’t conniving.  They aren’t diabolical.  They don’t bluff.  Unlike, say…Oh I don’t know.  Maybe….

evil_cat-136142

In other words, they’re dogs, not cats.

So how can a dog be bad?  Fido’s problem isn’t that he’s a bad dog.  Fido’s problem is that he’s a horrible human.  And you’re punishing him for it.  

Well, guess what?  We don’t always make the best dogs.

Rather than placing blame (on either species) and feeling the need to punish, let’s focus on how to more effectively, and humanely, communicate with our dogs. To do that, we need to understand where they are coming from.

Dogs ask questions.  A lot of questions.  All day long, nonstop.  For example:

"Can I eat that?"

“Can I eat that?”

"If he doesn't want it, can I have it?"

“If he doesn’t want it, can I have it?”

Yes, most of their questions do revolve around food.  But rather than punishing them for asking a question, let’s just do the logical thing and answer their questions.

Dogs are binary creatures.  Everything is “yes” or “no”.  Think of it as a giant game of hot/cold.  Even easier, “yes” is the absence of “no”.  (If you have kids you know exactly what I mean.)  Or imagine if you’re at a dinner party, and there’s one more piece of cake left.  You ask if anyone minds if you take that last piece of cake.  You pause for a few moments, but since nobody has said “no”.  So you take that piece of cake and enjoy it.

giphy (7)

So how do you answer a dog’s questions?  Body language.  As Polynesia the parrot from Dr. Dolittle pointed out above, animals don’t (usually) use their voices to communicate.  For the most part, they use body language.  All you need to effectively communicate with your dog is to learn how to tell Fido “no” in a way he understands, without resorting to violence, while still respecting each of you.  A simple answer to a simple question. We call this Piloting your dog.

Step 1 – Control Yourself.
If you’re angry, rushed, annoyed, hyper….it’s not going to work.  Fido is simply going to fling that energy right back at you like monkeys at the zoo.  Be calm.  Or at least pretend to be calm.

Make sure you’re controlling your body language, too.  Stand up straight.

giphy (8)

Step 2 – Control the Situation

You can not add stimulation until you have control of the current situation.  For example, how many times has someone knocked at your door, and your dog goes charging at the door, barking up a storm and causing a commotion…and you just open the door.  You didn’t control the situation, you added more chaos to the situation.  So don’t add to the chaos until you’ve controlled the current issue. Sometimes that may mean moving backward a couple steps.

For instance, when you go to answer the door.  You answer your dog’s questions using body language (“Mom, do you need help at the door?” No.  “Okay!” *sits down*), and they’ve accepted your answer to their question.  So you open the door…..

...And they see it's Grandma

…And they see it’s Grandma

Rather than inviting Grandma inside to “enjoy” this display of loving affection, ask her to wait a moment, close the door you just opened (thereby removing stimulation) and regain control of the situation.  Now you let her in.

Step 3 – Add Stimulation/Answer More Questions

You controlled the situation, so you were able to add more stimulation.  More questions will come up, (“Did you bring me anything, Grandma?!”) and more answer will have to be given.

So exactly how do you give your dog an answer?  Easy.  Remember, we’re using body language …their language.

To tell a dog “no”, simply pretend they are a lot taller, and you are trying to hit them with your belly button (pretend there’s a little laser beam coming out of your navel).  Stand up straight, and simply walk into them, with your feet like a letter “V” (so you don’t step on his toes!).  Don’t baby-step it.  You aren’t angry, but you aren’t timid either.  You are acting confident you have the right answer, which in this instance, happens to be “no”.

A better way to visualize is this:

If your dog is staring at a treat on the floor and then at you, he’s asking if he can have it with his body language, as Polynesia the Parrot would tell you. If you do not want your dog to have it, answer his question by walking in between him and the treat, facing him, with the treat behind you. This means that you are “claiming” the treat. You can move into his personal space to back him off it a bit.  Once he’s engaged with you, nothing, or everything (in other words, engaged with anything but the treat), remove your strong body language by walking to the side or away from him. This shows him that he is giving you the correct response: accepting that the treat is yours. If he looks at your treat again, simply use the body language again.  (He’s a dog.  He’s allowed to ask a question more than once.)  Use the appropriate amount of body language for each question he’s asking.  For example, if he’s politely asking if he may have the treat, please don’t go charging at him like the Kool-Aid Man.

Unnecessary

Unnecessary

You can claim anything…the door, Grandma, even his behavior such as barking.  He’s asking a question: Can I bark?  The answer is “no”.  Simply move at him using the body language, until he ceases, even for a moment.  Yes, you may have to answer the same question over and over initially, but now you’re starting to communicate in a way he understands.

Communication.  That’s what a happy, healthy, trusting relationship is built on, regardless of the species.  Yelling and shouting, that’s not respect, that’s frustration.  But what if you could talk with the animals?  Answer your dog’s questions?  Well, that’s the basis of communication.  So start “talking” to your dog…in the way they understand.  Stop being human, and expecting human behavior from your dog.  Because they are already perfect the way they are, all they need is for you to see how they speak, and to start communicating.

Yes, you can “talk” to the animals.

 

Keep calm and pilot on

Kerry Stack
Darwin Dogs
Dog Training in Cleveland, Ohio