“Call him Voldemort, Harry. Always use the proper name for things. Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.” – Dumbledore
This is my Darwin. I rescued him when I was 19 years old. He was my best friend for 12 years before he crossed the Rainbow Bridge about 10 years ago. He was also a complete asshole.
Darwin once found a dead raccoon in the back yard, and rolled on it. It was the worse smell I have ever endured in my entire life.The smell emanating from my dog was unbearable. Like a summo wrestler took a shit on a burning tire. It was kinda cathartic to finally admit it out loud: My dog is an asshole
It would have made a maggot gag.
I spent over 4 hours trying to get the smell off of him, and at that point, me as well, thus causing me to have to cancel a date with a guy I had been crushing on foh-evah. Like, since 4th grade.
Darwin seemed to have problems with skunks. Especially how he envisioned his relationship with them…
…versus the reality.
As Dumbledore pointed out to Harry in the quote in the beginning of this post, fearing to name something what it actually is can be detrimental. I hear this a lot from my clients.
Client: Hi, I’m interested in dog training. I have a 7 month old puppy. He’s been biting us, jumping, stealing things from the counter and this morning chewed our sofa.
Me: Wow – he sounds like an asshole!
Client: He is! Thank you for saying that! I love him but he’s SUCH an asshole!
It’s okay to call a thing a thing. It doesn’t make you a bad dog owner, and as a matter of fact, you may feel better when you finally accept that your dog is an asshole…you can move on now. Start to address why he is that way, and what steps you can take to address the behaviors that are unsavory. Begin to Pilot his behavior, and answer his questions.
Because let’s face it. Your dog isn’t bad. He’s just an asshole.
So it may seem to you that your dog is an asshole, I think what we all mean is your dog is a great dog, he sucks at being human. Some dogs just get how to “human” easier than others. Congratulations, your dog sucks at it.
Now let’s learn how to communicate your adorable little asshole. Because let’s face it, he probably thinks you really suck at being a dog.
What’s the most “asshole” thing your dog has ever done?
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You’d be surprised how many people violate this simple principle every day of their lives and try to fit square pegs into round holes, ignoring the clear reality that Things Are As They Are. - Benjamin Hoff
So many veterinarians, vet techs, dog lovers, etc. responded with laughter and a knowing nod of their heads. Some even countered with “Dachshunds”. One idiot tried to claim that Pitbulls were on the top of that list. As usual with anything I post on Facebook, I had a PM sent to me offering dissent:
I would like to ask that you take down and/or address this post. I really don’t find it fair to perpetuate stereotypes about any breed of dog, particularly as someone people look to for advice on these sorts of things.
At first blush, it would appear that the author is correct. But what they are confusing is three separate issues, or as I like to put it, Why I Have A Career Dog Training. Because let’s face it, if it weren’t for these three issues, nobody would need help with their dog’s behaviors. So let’s tease this out: are Chihuahuas inherently aggressive?
ISSUE 1: YOU HAVE A PUREBRED, BUT UNDERESTIMATED BREED STANDARDS
The dissenter was annoyed that I was perpetuating a stereotype of a breed standard. But as I have stated many times, I’m not against breed profiling; I’m against inaccurate breed profiling. Let’s face it, if I wanted a dog to herd cattle, I wouldn’t be looking at a poodle. If I wanted a dog to clean out all the vermin in my farm, I wouldn’t want a Staffie (honestly, most pitbulls would count them as their new friends).
So obviously this is profiling breeds. So is the fact that I will NEVER get another Shepherd mix from the shelter…
I currently own two Roomba vacuums in addition to my upright vac.
Of course you can state that how much a breed sheds is only a profile of their physical attributes, but let’s delve deeper.
- If I were to mention a dog that likes is obsessed with water, would you be able to come up with a breed off the top of your head? Maybe a Lab or a Golden.
- If I asked what dog is good at guarding flocks, Great Pyrenees immediately come to mind for me.
- What about dogs who tend to have a very high prey drive? Jack Russells, and Irish Terriers immediately come to mind.
Now, does that mean all Labs love water? No. Only the vast majority. Are they the only dog who likes water? Obviously not. But love of the water is what they were bred to have. Pyrenees were bred to be, according to the AKC:
“In nature, the Great Pyrenees is confident, gentle, and affectionate. While territorial and protective of his flock or family when necessary, his general demeanor is one of quiet composure, both patient and tolerant. He is strong willed, independent”
And while I have no use for the AKC due to their love of registering dogs, but disdain for actually stepping up for animal welfare (**cough cough** PUPPY MILLS **cough cough), they do have a rather succinct description for each breed’s general temperament. And honestly, I’ve found most of these to be spot on. Side note: I love that when describing Pyrenees, they used the word “independent” rather than “stubborn”. I hate the word stubborn.
So when someone calls me and asks me for help with their Border Collie who is destroying everything in their house, I know to start by discussing Activity and Work. Are you giving your Border Collie enough exercise to equal herding sheep for 8 hours a day? Are you using the right dog for the right job? Didn’t think so. What kind of mind games are you giving to your Border Collie, the dogs I call the Hermione Grangers of the dog world? None? Well, there’s your problem.
So don’t get a Jack Russell if you enjoy squirrels in your yard. Or do…just realize you will be spending a lot of time Piloting them (unless you enjoy the sound of squirrels screaming, you twisted monster). Which leads me to the second, bigger reason why people need help with their dog’s behaviors.
ISSUE 2: YOU TREAT YOUR DOG AS A BREED RATHER THAN AN INDIVIDUAL
Wait, didn’t I just state that breed standards are important? Yes, they are. Especially for purebred dogs that you didn’t get from a puppy mill (sorry, if you got your dog in “Amish Country” or from a pet store, it’s a puppy mill dog). Reputable breeders strive to maintain healthy breed standards. But there are always outliers. The Border Collie who is terrified of sheep. The Lab who hates water (haven’t met one yet, though). It’s like the kid whose parents are forcing him to major in medicine because he comes from a long line of doctors. They failed to notice that the child has no brains in their fingers, and will therefore never make a great surgeon. Plus the fact the poor kid faints at the sight of blood. But no child of mine will be a writer! Med school for you, boy!
This is a big reason why I love shelter dogs. Most of the time they are Frankenmutts. It’s exceptionally difficult to determine their breed(s) without DNA tests. And even then, they tend to look like a Pollock painting of different breeds, with no single breed comprising more than 8% of said dog.
His owner stated: Boxer/pit/husky??? That’s our best guess anyway. He is the #3leggedwonderdog. He runs agility with me and amazes everyone that meets him
Ta-da! I answer her question. Now, the more you Pilot, the easier it gets. When I first got our cat Echo many, many years ago, Sparta did want to kill him. So I took things easy, and answered every single one of her questions. Years later, they are kindred spirits and often hang out together. But it took a while before I felt I had Piloted Sparta enough to start to trust (let alone anticipate) my answers. Because that is the ultimate goal of Piloting: to help them anticipate the answer.
About 3 years ago I brought in another kitten. While I still had to Pilot Sparta around the newbie, it wasn’t nearly as arduous as when I got Echo. Not only had Sparta and I been through the whole ordeal previously, but there was another three years worth of random questions I had answered for Sparta in between getting those two cats. Can I eat out of the litter box? No, Sparta. Can I play rope toy roughly? Not right now, Sparta. Is the postman a threat? No, Sparta. Do you want me to be calm when I see a squirrel in the yard? Yes Sparta! Nice job!
So each question I answer for her is “money” out of her Piloting Piggy Bank. It goes into my Piloting Piggy Bank. And remember, whoever has the most money wins. Let’s also bear in mind what the definition of “anxiety” is:
Anxiety: noun a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
In other words, fear of the unknown…unanswered questions. Start Piloting your dog. Most people don’t understand that their dogs need to have Piloting. Or if they have an idea, they don’t understand how to tell their dog that the mailman isn’t going to kill them. But if your dog actively shirks from new people, or they are inherently suspicious of other dogs, I don’t care what breed of dog they are, or what the breed standard says they should be: don’t force Wally the Golden Retriever to be a therapy dog just because a lot of therapy dogs are Golden Retrievers! Work with the dog you have, not the breed you bought.
Photo: Alice Dote
Those are the three reasons why a dog owner parent may call me for help with their dogs behaviors. So let’s apply that to the original issue: that meme.
Why Chihuahuas? Why did so many people share this, and laugh and agree? Because it’s true. There were some of you who voted for Dachshunds, too…for the same reasons I’m about to write about below.
ISSUE 1: YOU HAVE A PUREBRED, BUT UNDERESTIMATED BREED STANDARDS
What does the AKC have to say about Chihuahuas?
General Appearance: A graceful, alert, swift-moving compact little dog with saucy expression, and with terrier-like qualities of temperament.
Temperament: Alert, projecting the ‘terrier-like’ attitudes of self importance, confidence, selfreliance [sic]
Meaning, they won’t accept an answer from you Because You Said So. Remember, you need to have a good reason why your answer is better than theirs. And “I’m The Human” doesn’t cut it.
ISSUE 2: YOU TREAT YOUR DOG AS A BREED RATHER THAN AN INDIVIDUAL
Fifi is a Chihuahua. Not a doll. Not the child you always wanted. She is a full grown dog. Maybe she’s more frightened of loud noises than most Chihuahuas you’ve known. Maybe she’s not as “terrier like” as the AKC describes Chihuahuas. That shouldn’t matter. You aren’t Piloting a breed standard. You are Piloting Fifi. Now do your job. The job you have. Not the job you want. I never wanted a dog-reactive dog. But Sparta has always had a lot of questions about other dogs. Does that make her bad or aggressive? No. It means she has a question that as her Pilot, I’m accountable to answer. And I do.
As seen from the general breed standard description above, Chihuahuas don’t need your help. Fortunately, though, like all dogs, they are logical. If you have a better answer, they are more than willing to hear it and act upon it…if it seems logical to them. The beauty of a dog is that they are able to change their minds based upon new information, just like Facebook arguments no human ever. So your Chihuahua, Fifi, is asking you if you need to be protected from your 5 year old grandchild who just came over for a hug.
What you see:
What Fifi sees:
You didn’t answer Fifi’s question, namely, “Is Reagan/Demon Child going to kills us?”, and the absence of “no” is “yes”. Therefore Fifi is protecting you. Sure you yelled at Fifi. You ranted at Fifi. But all you did was prove that you are not in control of yourself enough to answer anybody’s questions. By default you asked Fifi to protect you, so she did. Is Fifi aggressive? Resoundingly no! Fifi merely handled the situation as appropriately as she could, based upon the information she was given. Learn to Pilot your dog, so poor Fifi doesn’t have to be The Destroyer of Ankles.
Learn the Piloting position. If you have Fifi in a position to protect you, on your lap, facing said stranger, then she will protect you. Don’t ask for protection via body language, because Fifi will indeed protect you. And she’ll do a good job of it!
Less of this:
Please don’t do The Pretzel.
More of this:
RuPaul knows: posture counts!
But *never* do this:
You look stupid, Riker.
True Piloting from a seated position.
So your posture is truly important, especially in a seated position with a dog on your lap. I have a friend who is a vet. She introduced me to the term “Lap Shark”. We all know them. They aren’t exclusive to Chihuahuas by any means, but are almost entirely comprised of dogs who weigh less than 7 pounds who are always perched jauntily upon their owners laps. Now, I love hanging with my dogs, and more often than not, that includes lap-time. But there’s a difference between hanging out for cuddles and a dog who is staking a claim upon me, and letting others know that I’m their human.
Unfortunately, it seems as if Chihuahuas bear the brunt of this. Are they aggressive by nature? As a breed, no! No more so than any other dog. But if they don’t have answers to their questions about your/their safety, of course they are going to react!
So please, stop asking your dog to protect you! I’ve never actually met a truly aggressive dog. There is no such thing. All there are is dogs who have never been Piloted for the situation they have been thrust in. Dogs who have accidentally asked to Pilot and protect. A dog who is doing the best they can, and sometimes that means teeth. Believe me, I’ve been bitten many times, but never by what I’d determine an “aggressive dog”.
If a dog tells you they are going to bite, they are going to bite. The beauty of dogs is that they never lie. So when little Fifi is sitting on Grandma’s lap snarling, she is telling you that if you come closer, she will be forced to bite you. But since she’s such a small dog, nobody takes her seriously, and the human forces the issue. Nobody would do this with a larger dog. Poor Fifi is a victim of her size.
So the bottom line: are Chihuahuas more likely to bite than other dogs? Possibly. I’ve been bit by more Chihuahuas than any other breed of dog. I work with more Chihuahuas than I do Sharpeis or Borzois, simply because of the popularity of Chihuahuas. However, as far as dog breeds go, who is set up for failure more than any other dogs? Arguably Chihuahuas. The numbers alone are against them: born in a puppy mill. Sent to a home where they want The Perfect Little Dog, but aren’t willing to Pilot their little Fifi. Treated like trinkets and dolls rather than capable, independent beings. Not given activity, mental work. Never given credit for having minds of their own. And worst of all, being asked to protect themselves from all forms of danger, most of it on an order of magnitude, 50 times their size!!!! So why are Chihuahuas No. 1 on that list?
Because we put them there.
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