Why Your Dog is an @SSH0LE

Never negotiate with kids. They don’t have life experience, and they don’t have repercussions for bad decisions; they still get fed and housed.  - Gene Simmons

Matheus Bertelli

 

I never thought that I’d be using a Gene Simmons quote in my blogs, but there you go.  Sometimes life takes a funny turn, and his quote was perfect for what I wanted to tackle today:  this image that has been floating around The Internets.

dog uncomfortable

Wow.  Just wow.  I don’t even know where to start with this.  Ready for an unpopular, possibly offensive truth?  Your dog is making people uncomfortable because he is an asshole. 

There.  I said it. I guarantee a lot of other people were thinking it, and just never told you.  And even worse, you’re pretty much victim blaming.  So now that we have opened up that can of worms, let’s get down to business and de-asshole your dog. 

 

What’s making people uncomfortable about your dog?  Let’s break it down:

Fido is in their personal space. 

 

I personally don’t not want to be licked by either of them.  I love dogs.  Like, LOVE, dogs.  I don’t like drool. Or Gene Simmons, but here we are.

Think about it.  How would you feel if a stranger came up to you and was completely in your personal space?  Uncomfortable, right?  Or what if I invited you to my house, let my kids climb all over you and trample you, but stated that if my kids were making you uncomfortable, I can lock you up in another room? (C’mon, they’re only trying to be friendly!)  Yet we accept that behavior from our dogs?  I guarantee that if your Fido tried that behavior with another dog, Fido would get corrected very quickly!  It’s about manners, and dogs have them the same way people do. Learn to expect good manners from your dog.

Fido is guarding. I can’t tell you how many times a client calls me to their house to work with their aggressive dog, and when I arrive and ring their doorbell, they simple let their dog loose on me to snarl, bark, and lunge at me.  Their reasoning?

“We wanted you to see what he does.”

Oh, by all means, let me whip up an anti-aggression incantation.  That will solve the problem!

I freaking know what Fido does…he’s aggressive towards strangers!  You told me on the phone!

I know how to deal with a dog who is snarling at me, or giving me “fuck off” body language.  You stand perfectly still and let the dog thoroughly investigate you.  You do not move.  You do not make eye contact.  Even after decades of doing this, it’s still terrifying every time it happens to me (usually at least once a week).  I have resources, knowledge and experience.  What do your guests have? Fear and anxiety.  And you have a potential lawsuit coming your way when Fido finally snaps.  Just because he’s never bitten anyone before doesn’t mean he never will.  And no, the answer isn’t just to “just let Fido smell you, and then he’ll be fine.”

Your dog is jumping/trampling your guests. And what do you do about it?

“FIDO NO JUMPING! FIDO, NO!!! FIDO STOP OR I’LL SAY STOP AGAIN!!!!”
Yeah, it’s not helping. Fido is still jumping.

I work with quite a few “aggressive” dogs.  Usually at least one per week.  And you should see all the massive bruises and injuries I have…from “friendly” dogs jumping on me.  My legs look like I play professional soccer without shin guards.  I have scratches all over me (yes, even through denim jeans).  All because of Fido who “just wants to make friends”.  Sorry, but consent exists with dogs the same way it exists with humans.  Your dog is hurting me, and it’s not a game, nor is it cute.

As I said, we need to un-asshole your dog.Let’s start with how you are perceiving your dog.  It has to do with your soft bigotry of low expectations. You expect so little from your dogs.  You claim that your dogs are your kids, yet you allow behaviors from your dog that you’d never tolerate from your children (I hope!).  The thing to remember is that it’s not about having perfectly well behaved kids/dogs; it’s about having a game plan for anything that happens.  Can you predict that your preschooler would suddenly start rifling through great aunt Bertha’s purse? No, that was unexpected. But what makes you a good parent is how you deal with the situation, or more importantly, if you deal with the situation.  

I firmly believe in treating everyone appropriately.  Dogs are great dogs…they just suck at being human.  Kids are great kids…they just suck at being adults.  It’s up to you to be the adult human in the situation and to Pilot them through whatever issues or questions they are currently embroiled in. So let’s get started.

It starts with Piloting.  Piloting is answering your dog’s questions, and they have a lot of questions.  “Can I jump on you?”  “Can I eat that chocolate?” Wanna snuggle?”  You answer each question according to how you feel.  My answers would be No, No and Yes respectively.  How do you give a negative?  Using simple body language outlined here.   No prong collar.  No shock collar. No need for a spray bottle full of vinegar(?!)(seriously, I’ve been hearing this a lot…stop it).  It’s a conversation.  Communicate, don’t dominate, subjugate to alleviate…

…sorry, that was a little INXS.

Just remember, it’s a conversation.  Your dog isn’t bad, Fido just has questions.  So answer them!

I’m going to give you a bonus hint:  I don’t ask my kids or my dogs if they want to do something.  I tell them, and then ask for questions.

Example, if I want the dishwasher emptied and re-loaded:

Me: River, would you please empty the dishwasher and then load it?

vs.

Me: River, I want you to please empty the dishwasher and then load the dirty dishes.  Do you have any questions?

Do you see the difference?  If River does indeed have questions, (“Do I have to?”), I’m prepared with my answer.  I do not negotiate.  I will listen to hear reasoning why she shouldn’t have to (and sometimes she’s correct), but I do not make deals with her.  I do not lower my expectations unless new or different information is given.

For example, if River says she doesn’t want to because she wants to play video games, oh well!  I want a pony and I don’t have a pony.  Now get in there and do the dishes.  But if she says she doesn’t want to because she’s trying to (legit) study for her test tomorrow, I may change my mind about her doing dishes, based upon the new information.

How does this apply to your dog?  Suppose I show up to your house and Fido starts to jump on me.  It’s up to you to Pilot your dog, giving them a negative. And they accept your answer, calming down.  Nice job!

But what if later while I”m at your house, you see Fido start to jump on me again?  You start to give him another negative, but then I tell you that I started it because I wanted to wrestle with him.  What do you do?  Let it go?  Give a negative anyway?

The answer is entirely up to you. If you decide you don’t want your dog getting riled, you give me a negative  If you are okay with us wrestling around, then by all means let it go.   You’re the Pilot; you are actively choosing to let a behavior continue, rather than not doing anything about it because you don’t know what to do.  Remember, it’s not about having the dog with the perfect manners all the time. That dog doesn’t exist.  But now you don’t have to tolerate those unsavory behaviors any longer.

So congratulations, we’ve successfully de-assholed your dog!  And let’s face it, he probably wasn’t really an asshole to begin with.  He’s just a dog.  A wonderful, intelligent, perfect dog….who really sucked at being human.

 

Keep calm and pilot on

Kerry Stack
Darwin Dogs
Dog Training in Cleveland, Ohio

 

Why Puppies Suck – Or The Benefits of Senior Dogs

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
– Mark Twain

Boots and Bee Photography - By Brittany Graham

Boots and Bee Photography – By Brittany Graham

I just got home from my third puppy session this week.  I’m exhausted.  Puppies are the worst.  Don’t get me wrong… I love puppies!  They’re adorable, entertaining and so stinkin’ cute!  I guess I just like other people’s puppies. Personally, I wil most likely never own a puppy again, because under that exterior lies an un-housebroken, hyper, destructive little beastie.

It's all fun and games until someone chews a shoe.

It’s all fun and games until someone chews a shoe.

Puppy sessions are easy in the sense that I know I won’t have to deal with aggressive behavior (usually).  I know I can hang out on the floor with the little demon angel and play while I work with the owners.  I also like knowing that people are getting of on the right start with a puppy by having it trained and knowing how to avoid problems in the future with a little effort starting now.  But let’s face it:  puppies are just…exhausting.

The PAW Method is rooted in the belief that dogs can ask questions:  “Can I eat this?”  ”Can we play now?”  ”Can we cuddle?” and that it’s up to you to answer their questions in a way they understand and doesn’t require force nor bribery.  You Pilot them to answer their questions, which puts “money” in your Piloting Piggy Bank.  The more “money” you have, the easier it is to Pilot your dog.  Which brings us to puppies.

Puppies don’t have a lot of money in their own piggy banks, so it’s not tremendously difficult to get that money out.  It’s just constant.  Like furry little toddlers, they scamper around asking questions about everything (integral to their learning, but highly annoying). And just like toddlers, they’ll ask a question, accept the answer only to immediately ask The Same Question.

How about now?

How about now?

So yeah, puppies have very little “money” in their Piloting Piggy Bank, but even when you Pilot it out of them, they can refill it faster than you can say, “But how about now?”.

Of course, in the words of Shakespeare, “This too, shall pass.”  Puppies grow out of their little toddler stage, they being to gain some sanity, and you don’t have to watch them like a weeping angel.

tennant

Or you’ll poop in the hallway AGAIN.

So puppies are adorable, but they are so much work!

“But I wanted to get my kids a puppy for the holidays/their birthday”, you may say.  That’s all fine and dandy but are you ready for the work that a puppy entails?  The work that your children say they will help you with but in reality won’t?  Didn’t think so.  So consider this: adopt a senior dog.

Now I know you want that whole Hallmark moment of a puppy in a box with a bow, and the accompanying chorus of “awwww…”.  But there are many reasons why the better choice may be a senior dog.

.

1) Senior Dogs Aren’t Usually “Old”.

I know…it doesn’t make sense.  But remember, a lot of dogs are considered seniors at just 5 years old.  For a smaller dog whose life expectancy can be around 15 years…., well, let’s just say that would make me more of a senior citizen than that dog!

2) Senior Dogs are Usually Housebroken.

Obviously this is not always the case, and even housebroken adults can have a few accidents in a new house during their adjustment period.  But that’s a far cry from a puppy who goes every two hours, yet somehow still leaves you looking for paper towels and cleaner.

3) Senior Dogs Have “Been There” and “Done That”.

Yes, it’s totes adorbs to take your new puppy on their first adventure to the park.  To the pet store.  To the vet…but after the 1,224th “new adventure”, the constant questions and wrangling of a quick-as-lightening puppy can get tedious as they find new and innovative ways to get into trouble.  Your senior dog?  He’s already been to the park numerous times, and is more interested in your company during the hike, rather than investigating that hornets’ nest nestled near that tree.

senior 1

4) Senior Dogs Can Focus.

Remember how organized and rational your thoughts were as a child?  Remember how you could focus on anyth-….hey wanna ride bikes?!  Yeah, me neither.  Older dogs aren’t wrestling with their need to explore Everything All At Once.   Meaning it’s often easier to teach an old dog new tricks, rather than working with your kinetic little puppy who…wait….where did the puppy wander off to now?!

5) Senior Dogs Have Little Hope of Finding Homes

shelters

Let’s face it: everyone wants “this year’s model”.  Grey isn’t cherished and revered anymore.  Puppies fly out of shelters, while the senior dogs look on, not knowing that they most likely won’t ever see the inside of a home again.  Simply giving a senior dog the chance to love, and be loved, when everyone else overlooked them…well, isn’t that the greatest gift of all?

So re-think what it means to bring a new best friend into your home and into your children’s lives.  While I will always love my puppy sessions, it’s truly the sessions with the “new” old dog that I cherish.  Because the love I see in the eyes of a senior dog, that kind of love only grows greater with age.

marcella

Marcella, is a super sweet, friendly senior available through Cuyahoga County Animal Shelter. She’s 8 years 3 months 9 days old. Just right!

 

5 years 2 months 19 days

Canberra looks like he’d make the perfect hiking companion at 5 years 2 months 19 days.  What a face!  He is available through Cuyahoga County Animal Shelter.

Gucci is 7 years 2 months into looking for a forever home.  Sweet companion, he's available through Cleveland APL

Gucci is 7 years 2 months into looking for a forever home. Sweet companion, he’s available through Cleveland APL

Delilah is a 15 year old former beauty queen who wonders why she all alone.  She is available through Cleveland APL.

Delilah is a 15 year old former beauty queen who wonders why she all alone. She is available through Cleveland APL.

 

Sanctuary for Senior Dogs is truly a beacon of hope for dogs who have been "thrown away" by owners because they are "outdated"  Please consider a donation to their worthy endeavor.

Sanctuary for Senior Dogs is truly a beacon of hope for dogs who have been “thrown away” by owners because they are “outdated” Please consider a donation to their worthy endeavor.

As Garcia sang:
Oh well a Touch Of Grey
Kind of suits you anyway
That was all I had to say 
It’s all right…

Keep calm and pilot onKerry Stack
Darwin Dogs
Dog Training in Cleveland, Ohio